GEORGE BUSH

President of United States of America

ruth be told, I didn't know we had invaded Iraq until a coupla weeks in. Not my fault; I was on vacation in Crawford. But I want to go on record that I thought the invasion was awesome.

 

DICK CHENEY

Vice-President, United States of America

I actually e-mailed the President before we invaded, but I know he almost never checks his Hotmail account, so that was my bad.

 

DAVE LESAR

Chairman, CEO, President of Halliburton

As president of Halliburton, I felt it was my duty as an American to order the invasion of Iraq. We estimate that Iraq could potentially produce over 300 billion barrels of oil over the next five years. And with Afghanistan looking like a bust, I thought this was as good a time as any to call for an attack.

I want to add that I think weapons of mass destruction and Saddam Hussein are bad. Very bad. Whereas oil is great. Which begs the question, why should someone so bad have something so great?

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN

Deposed Despot of Iraq

So Tariq Aziz comes to me and he's all, 'Dude, the Americans are going to attack if we don't show them the weapons of mass destruction.' And I'm all, "Tariq, you know the money I earmarked for weapons of mass destruction?' And he's all, 'Yeah, Saddam?', but he says it in that way like he knows what I'm going to say, right? So any way, I'm like totally embarrassed by this point, but I go, 'Dude, you're going to kill me, but I used the money to buy another palace.'

 

TARIQ AZIZ

Former Deputy Prime Minister, Iraq

That guy has like fifty palaces that he never uses. He's actually lost two palaces. Doesn't even know where they are. And here he is, buying another palace with our weapons-of-mass-destruction-money. So who's got shawarma all over their face? Me. Because I'm the guy walking around, telling everyone I know that we had weapons of mass destruction.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN

I'm like that girl, Carrie, on Sex in the City is with shoes, only with palaces. So what? Sue me in international court. I like to treat myself sometimes.

That made me come off as sounding gay, right? I have to stop referencing that show. You'd tell me if that sounded gay, right?

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm totally Samantha.

 

ANONYMOUS

CEO, Major Telecommunications Company

So, I get this call from Cheney. Now mind you, I haven't heard from this guy since Iran-Contra, right? You know, a couple of Christmas cards here and there, maybe a commuted sentence or a full pardon if I'm lucky. Then I get this call out of the blue: how much would you pay for naming rights to an attack on Iraq?

 

KARL ROVE

White House Chief of Staff

Originally, we wanted to call the invasion either, "Desert Storm II: The Wrath of Bush," or "Operation Smack My Bitch Up." something cool like that. Then Dick comes in with this crazy scheme. And I remember thinking, 'Wow, that guy has big balls.' And then I was like, 'Man, I wish he would put some pants on.'

 

PARIS HILTON

Hotel heiress; star of TV's "The Simple Life"

The invasion was actually my idea. One night, I was like, 'I totally hate Iraq' and Dick was like, 'I need to make a phone call'. Without putting down the video camera, he pulled his pants back on, which was very hard for him to do, because he has these humongous balls.

 

DICK CHENEY

Well, that's the very short version of how "Operation Iraqi Freedom, Presented By Verizon Wireless,", got its name. A little more went into it than that. I'm sure they didn't tell you about my ridiculously large balls.

They did?

Oh.

Then that's the entire story, actually.

 

GEORGE BUSH

While our troops were out taking care of liberating the Middle Eastern Conference, I was at the ranch, working on a new national anthem for Iraq. If you had to choose one, which would you pick: "Honky Tonk Woman," or "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer"?

That's what I picked, too. It totally rocks.

 

COLIN POWELL

Secretary of State

Based on all the information at our disposal, I knew an invasion of Iraq would not be justified. I told the President, the Vice President, and the Secretary of Defense as much.

 

DICK RUMSFELD

Secretary of Defense

Look, it's not that we don't like Colin: he's a good enough guy, but he's gets hung up on things like tangible proof. He doesn't understand that life is often like the video game Grand Theft Auto III: Vice City.

 

GEORGE BUSH

Funny story. I get a call while I am on vacation and I see it's Colin's number. Soon as I pick up, he's whining. Throwing his fifty-cent vocabulary around, yelling something about killing innocent civilians based on unsubstantiated conjecture. Anyway, I told him I would make him Ambassador to Club Med Montego Bay and he pretty much shut up after that.

It's all inclusive, you know. You pay up front and then it's like everything is free.

 

COLIN POWELL

I did call the President to express my displeasure. He said it didn't matter what I thought because I was Secretary of State and this had to do with another country. Since then, he keeps sending me beads, saying I can trade them in for fish tacos and margaritas.

 

KARL ROVE

So we're all just chilling up at Applebee's after work when my celly blows up. It's a call from the boys in Baghdad singing, 'We let the dogs out. Woof. Woof.' That was our code for 'we just finished kicking major Iraqi ass'. So I lay down my corporate AMEX and order up some shots. I mean, we're really partying our balls off, which, by the way, would take Cheney about ten years, due to the sheer volume of those skin-boulders.

 

DICK CHENEY

And it was funny, because I think it was right after Condi Rice does this bitching karaoke rendition of 'Get Out Of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)' that Paris Hilton says, "So what happens to the Iraqi people now?"

 

DICK RUMSFELD

Well, we just lose it. It was hilarious. I mean, from the mouth of a babe, right? I mean, none of us had thought of what was going to happen to the Iraqi people; we all just assumed another department would take care of it. We really dropped the weapon of mass destruction there. I didn't even realize it at the time; I was tripping my face off.

 

PARIS HILTON

Rummy and D.C. asked me to be the provisional leader of Iraq until things got settled, but what was I going to do over there? I don't date Puerto Rican dudes.

 

HOWARD SCHULTZ

Founder, CEO of Starbucks

So I get this urgent call from the White House, asking me if I can help get work for 3 million Iraqis. And I'm proud to say that we just opened our two thousandth Baghdad Starbucks this morning. I never realized there would be that many unemployed actors available to work over there.

 

SADDAM HUSSEIN

So I go home to Tikrit to kick it with some old high school buddies I didn't kill; you know, think things over, get back to basics. Months go by and I'm thinking the Americans forgot all about me; I mean, Iraq ain't that big. But then I get caught in that damn hole.

 

DICK CHENEY

I think things are really looking up over there in Iraq. Halliburton, and to a lesser extent, the U.S. have our eyes on other prizes: namely the nation of Burkina Faso. We hear it has all types of weapons of mass destruction, and, as it happens, quite a bit of oil.

 

GEORGE BUSH

This has got to be a very exciting time for Iraq, or as we're calling it, "Oilpalooza, Presented by Citibank." What's next for us? Jeez, I don't know. Short-term, I hope by the time I get back from vacation, our troops have overthrown the dictatorial regime of the guy that's running Burkina Faso, whoever that may be.

And then I'm going to find out more stuff 'bout this 'conomy everybody's been yakking about. 'Conomy, 'conomy, 'conomy! It's like, don't you people have anything else to worry about it? Huh, people? Janet Jackson's right booby?